Educating Mikayla

Just a note: this entry is really long, but by golly is it going to be entertaining.

Before I get into the good stuff (and yes,it is good), I should probably begin with some big stuff. My lovely wife of four years is pregnant! She is about 4 months along and, thanks to the blessing of medicine, Beth is able to get up each morning and be the great woman that she is. She'd be great without the medicine, but she'd be puking everywhere. Anyways, no need to talk about that fun stuff. There is so much more!

We have now been to the doctor three times. The second time the doctor was in a rush and needed to get to surgery. He checked Beth out but didn't hear a heart beat. He wasn't concerned since we had seen and heard the heart beating on our first visit. On the third visit, however,the doctor needed to hear the heart. He searched around for a bit with his microphone but didn't immediately hear anything. Finally the doctor found a healthy heartbeat, much lower in Beth that he expected. His reaction: "That baby's in yo' butt!" His bedside manner is impeccable.

So tonight I was going to the grocery store and Mikayla was going to join me. When I walked in our bedroom, where Beth was reading a book and Mikayla was playing on the bed, our cute little girl called out, "Hey, I have a baby in my butt." Apparently her selective hearing selected to hear Dr. Rashard's enlightening comment last week.

I should have known that this was the beginning of a fun-filled hour with Mikayla. We left for the store and as we pulled in I was blocked by four cop cars. There were no cops in the cars - they had gotten out and were all walking in the other direction. My curiosity got the best of me and I circled around the parking lot to see what the cops were up to. I pulled into a parking spot a few rows away from the cops and had a wonderfully unobstructed view. Mikayla and I had the privilege of watching a man get tasered and handcuffed outside of our local Chinese restaurant. Whatever you do, don't tell the people at China Bell that they got your order wrong...

So after talking with Mikayla for while about justice and corporal punishment we decided to get some groceries. We had a merry old time bagging fruit and talking with Jose, our Ecuadorian Wal-Mart employee friend. Mikayla learned that olives are called aceitunas in Spanish and that strawberries are fresas. As we walked along the meat section, about to break out into song and frolic in our merriment, a very large man came walking from the other direction. As he passed I looked over to offer a friendly "Hi", but could not get it out before this guy looked over and said, "And then they killed the man!" I continued walking, perhaps a bit faster than I was walking before that warming salutation, and tried to make it look like I spotted something very far away that I needed. I continued full speed ahead in silence towards the hotdogs, wondering how I was going to explain to Mikayla that sometimes adults poop their pants and that's okay.

So about this time we were ready to run out, er, check out. We added on to an already long line and found ourselves behind a family with a cute little kid sitting in the cart. Mikayla was facinated with the youngster but was to timid to say anything. I prompted her to say something, but to no avail. The baby's brother came over and I told Mikayla, "Look. That's that little girl's brother." The dad turned, walked over to me and said, "That's his brother." Oops. Not much to say except, "Sorry. Please don't beat me..."

So we sat in line and I played games with Mikayla while we waited and waited and waited. I asked her whose hand was bigger, mine or hers. I pointed to mine and told her that mine was bigger. Then I pointed to hers and said that it was smaller. She proceeded to point to to my stomach and say, "That's bigger." Had the line not been so long I would have gone over and picked up a few Slim Fast bars before we left. I've never felt so beautiful.

To finish it all off, we we're finally in the car driving home and Mikayla was sitting quietly in the back seat. I called Beth to say we were coming home when I heard a sweet little voice from behind whisper, "Mommy has a baby in her butt." We came full circle in one short hour. Can't wait for tomorrow...

Randy

Criminal Activity

Despite what many of you may think, when I was younger I was only ever sent to the office at school one time. I was in third grade and went to Ms. McNaughton’s office when my friends, at the end of the school day the day before, jumped down the last 5 steps of the stairs – a real criminal act. I was the person in line behind them and when I reached the bottom, where they waited for me, the principal had hurried over throw on the cuffs and jot down their names. She said she’d be seeing them tomorrow. Being that I was standing next to them, apparently my name was jotted down as well. So I spent some time getting yelled at the next day thanks to Gary and Billy Burger, but I’m innocent I tell you. Innocent!

Well it appears that my sweet little 3 year old Tasmanian devil is not as innocent as I was. She has been in preschool for a little over a month and has already been called into the office a handful of times. 3 years old! Usually my never-tired daughter decides that since she can’t sleep at nap time then nobody should. So she wakes kids up and gets them to laugh by hitting herself in the head or falling to the ground and laughing like Ernie from Sesame Street. When she isn’t inflicting pain on herself to please the masses she exercises poor judgment by not listening to teachers. In one instance her teacher, Ms. Melissa, told Mikayla that play time was over and it was time to go back to class. Mickey did what any kid would do: she ran for her life. When the teacher caught her, which isn’t real tough since she doesn’t run too fast, she questioned Mik’s decision to run away. As the story goes, Mikayla reported that she was running away from a tiger- real self-esteem booster for Ms. Melissa.

So Mikayla is on a first name basis with the Director of Southgate Children’s Academy. Unfortunately for us, her behavior may not be improving. The first time she was sent to the office she lucked out. The Director was eating lunch, so what did Mikayla do? Pulled up a chair and ate some chips. I’m sure that really drove it home not to act up in class. You know, I think Al Capone had a similar preschool experience. Should we be worried?

As Mickey’s file grows daily, we are filled with wonder and awe at how our parents made it. Mom, your wish from yesteryear is coming true: our child is behaving for us like we did for you (well, she’s behaving like Beth. Remember, I’m innocent). Except I remember you saying something about having it come around 10 fold. Could you wish that part away?

With love,

Randy(who is beginning to think Mikayla would make a great only child)