Mikayla

Note: Someday when I have finally posted enough blogs I really do plan on printing it all into a book. I lose everything and the pages in the journal this excerpt comes from have already started to disappear! So here is to digital memories-

Mikayla turns five on Tuesday. I will be at Girls Camp. My children's birthdays always make me nostalgic, emotional, and surprised at what they can do now that they could not do even a year ago. This is a journal excerpt with lots of run on sentences, errors, etc (the last page of it is already lost, it fell out!) that I found this evening while thumbing through notes. It is personal, long, and maybe a little boring if you aren't her somewhat compulsive/obsessive mother... But I feel the same way about her today as I did then, even stronger actually. Maybe if I put it here I won't lose any more pieces of it. This is not entertaining and is more for she and I than anyone else, though you are obviously welcome to read it since I did post in my not so private blog.

Dear Mikayla,

Today we took you to Church for the first time. We have wanted to take you for so long. Every Sunday Daddy and I would trade off who went to Church and who stayed home with you. Whenever it was my turn I would always end up looking at all the moms who had their babies with them, I would leave Church with a sad heart just wishing you could be with me. I would rush home to be with you, crying the whole way wishing you were better. The last Sunday I cried harder than most, but I felt a little prompting, "She may look healthy, but it isn't time yet." This set me at ease and helped tide me over so that I might be more patient. In all honesty, I would have been too scared to take you anyway. Today was scary, but so wonderful at the same time. I finally had a 'family' at Church- something I have looked forward to since the day I was married.

You are such a beautiful baby, everyone says so. Naturally, I think you are the most beautiful baby in the whole world. You have your Daddy's nose, small ears, and a perfectly shaped mouth. Don't be scared to look like your Dad. Your Aunt Meredith looks just like him, and she is beautiful. Have confidence that you are a lovely girl. Along with your face you already have an amazing personality. Everyday you surprise us more and more. You have started giggling and cooing- you melt our hearts every day. Granted, you also scream at night and have been fussier than normal but all it takes is one coo and you have won us over.

You need to know some things about you, me, your Dad, and life in general. When we had you, you were born with Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Return (with some other complications) as a well as a valve that hadn't completely shut off. We had always felt that we would have a special baby. Before I even met or married your father I felt that way, and he had too. I figured Down's Syndrome. I have no idea why, but it seemed to make sense. When we were told something was wrong I was surprised it was your heart and not something else. Then I became scared. I didn't want you to die, and I knew you could. You were in very critical condition. I remember looking at the wall and thinking/knowing, "This is worth it. I would do this again for her in a minute." I knew that you had come here to get a body, and if it was all I could offer you then it was worth it. I prayed a lot that night. When you were air flighted away, your Dad left the hospital too. I had to stay until the next day and was alone. I cried all night and at four in the morning peeked into the bathroom mirror. My face was so swollen from crying that I my eyes were almost swollen shut (I was definitely NOT cute.)During all the crying I prayed. Heavenly Father was such a comfort to me at that time. The Plan of Salvation is real, and while I was in the hospital thinking of you, He taught me that. Your Dad and I were married in the temple so I knew that no matter what happened we would always be together. This was such a comfort to me when I couldn't see you, or touch you and the only image I had of you was tubes, needles, and the little respirator I had seen you on before you left. You were brought into my room to let me get one last look before you were gone. You were so cute. Your dark hair was gummy, and your little fists were clenched (except one finger but that's another story!) Your face was so smooth and porcelain. A gorgeous baby.

I knew in those last moments I had with you that if Heavenly Father needed you, you would return home to Him. I also knew this would be ok, and that He knew what was best for us as a family. I admitted to him that I wanted to keep you, but I also told Him that I understood if He needed to take you away.... Before you left Madison Hospital where you were born, your father was able to give you a blessing. I wasn't there for it but Dad came to tell me what it said. Heavenly Father promised you that He would do for your body what you could not do for yourself. There was more, but this stuck out to me so strongly I can't really remember the rest. I was so grateful your father was a good, fine priesthood holder who truly respected and upheld his responsibilities. He was and is a worthy priesthood holder, and had he not been I would have never felt the comfort that your blessing provided me. After your blessing I had an image a you being gently cradled by Heavenly Father. Dad and I couldn't touch you, and we couldn't be there during the surgery, but we knew that Heavenly Father would be. What a comfort that was for us, to know that your Heavenly Father loved you enough to take care of you when we couldn't. Please always remember that He loves you, He sent His son who died for you so that you could be here on this earth, then return again to Heavenly Father someday. Know that in times of need your Heavenly Father is there, simply a prayer away. There is also the Holy Ghost, and if we live worthily enough we will have his comfort as well. These three men- God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost are so vital in our lives. Do everything you can to love them, and live in such a way that they may always be with you.

Oh sweet girl, I know this Gospel is true. I thought I knew the Plan of Salvation was real when my sister Melian, your Aunt, died. I thought I understood and I am sure I did to some small extent... but having you in my life has taught me so much more. You have the light of Christ in you. I see such a strong spirit about you. You love Primary Hymns....

And there it ended. I would love to find the last page... I love this little girl. I am way to hard on her and I forget to love on her as much as I should. She still cuddles as much today as she did the first time I held her (she was over a week old.) I often ask her who the love of my life is (Daddy) and then say, " But who is my sunshine?" And to hear her cry, "I am!" warms me every time. She IS my sunshine. I love her very much and am so grateful to be her mother. What a blessing she has been in our lives!

I don't know that my children define who I am but who I hope to become. Mikayla and Rowan are amazing. Motherhood is amazing. (Being married to an amazing man is pretty awesome too!) I love my life.

You Know You are Beautiful When...

You are sitting on the toilet in your bathroom doing your business and your daughter walks in and lovingly gushes, "Mommy you are the beautifulest Mommy in the WORLD." That my friends is true evidence.

That love is blind.

But I'll take it.

Check out these beautiful people too: Grandma Eileen (loved Loved LOVED her)and my wonderful kiddies!